I lost my mind because my ex was covertly abusing me
In the middle of January 2026, I shockingly realized that the person I had been with for nearly three years (2023-2026) was a covert (meaning, hidden from plain sight- opposed to overt, meaning obvious and in your face) narcissist (borderline sociopath) who had been emotionally and psychologically abusing me.
The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach grew so strongly I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
My body shook in tremors, and began to fully reject and be repulsed by his presence.
My body told the truth my mind wasn’t able to see because of his expert level gaslighting.
My spirit abruptly woke me up to the reality beyond the illusions his words, empty promises, love bombing, emotional weaponizing of his own wounds as an excuse for being abusive for years casted.
Overwhelmed with the reality of how the pieces of a confusing, enraging, exhausting, lonely, and terrifying puzzle that was my relationship fell starkly, painfully, drastically, and I couldn’t un-see it.
It was akin to being struck by lightning. I’m not joking.
We sought couples therapy, where I shared the reality of how he had been abusing and neglecting me, naming the most recent emotional and psychological manipulation tactics that he had harmed me with…
After my angry, exhausted and shaky expression of it all, the therapist simply looked at him and said “[exs name], how does that make you feel?”.
My body entered into a profound terror response. I could not believe my ears. I was overwhelmed by shock from my hair follicles to my toes.
The therapist did not believe me.
She said “In couples therapy, there is no victim or perpetrator: there is just two people who create a dynamic”.
The therapist stayed “neutral”: there is NO SUCH THING AS NEUTRAL WHEN NEUTRAL BENEFITS THE ABUSER ONLY.
If you are a licensed therapist like me: please decolonize the principle of “neutrality” in therapy or coaching. If you stay neutral in the face of abuse, you are perpetuating colonial oppression.
There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING inherently neutral in the natural world. The world is filled with NUANCE, yes, and this is DRASTICALLY different than neutrality.
Be so f* for real.
I was alone in that experience, at the other side of the country, being gaslit by a covert narcissist for 3 years, and now, a therapist who bought into his BS masked-narcissistic performance acted like his sh* didn’t stink when I handed it to her on a golden platter.
I couldn’t take care of myself anymore because this man was dysregulating my nervous system multiple times per day: I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t answer my friends texts messages, couldn’t go for walks or workout, stopped being creative, lost all of my joy and became a shell of myself.
He had the audacity to tell me “your nervous system is not my responsibility”.
He had a session with the couples therapist alone before me.
I bet you that he told her that I was “intense” “crazy” “mental illness runs in her family” “she’s bipolar” “he’s trying… she’s just soooo hard on him” “all she does is attack me”, that “she expects me to perfect”.
News flash : I was asking for consistency, consideration, respect of my boundaries, kindness, not to unjustly project his anger onto me, to listen to me when I speak, to not talk over me, to be honest with me, to be intimate and present…
Basic sh* that he gave me in the beginning, breadcrumbed, love-bombed and repetitively promised while entrapping me by giving it to me for a 48 hour period, only to return to cruelty and blame me for asking for my feelings and needs to be met as if I was a villain.
So when I spent nearly 20 minutes listing the latest behaviours of his inexplicable cruelty, while justly being enraged and telling him that the way he treated me was disgusting, that I do not respect him, that I hate him - all while having a literal snarl at the top of my mouth…
She internally must have gone “wow, she sure is attacking him, and she seems all over the place”.
*My response to him is what is known as a reactive defensive response - when a victim of abuse responds in a way that looks overtly abusive (i.e. name calling, shouting, etc.).
However, it is in response to being abused, not out of no where; and is NOT the same as being the abuser.
I felt so unbelievably ungrounded after the experience of several sessions with her asking me to “see him” in moments of his abuse, with him compiling evidence from his friends saying “he’s not a narcissist, he’s the complete opposite” and him going to therapists alone who would then ask him “why is it all about Danielle?”.
Yup, the smear campaign came in full force.
I checked myself into the hospital overnight. I was deteriorating in functioning by the amount of cortisol that circulated my body daily.
It was there that I had felt the safest I had felt in years : alone overnight, by the nurses, in the hallway of the f* hospital. This cracked the illusion of him, his presence and the apartment we had together being a safe or loving space.
Also, this man didn’t go to therapy for the entire 3 years to work through the wounds that led him to abuse me? That I was extremely vocal in sharing the harm impacted by his actions, the entire time?
Yet all of a sudden, when I’m out the door - now he goes? Classic covert narcissist entrapment cycle.
I saved myself. I left on February 10th, 2026 and drove across the country back to live with my parents.
And guess what? I’m stable, happy, surrounded by loving community, my creativity has returned, I’m healthy and back in the gym, my energy has stabilized, I trust myself more than I have my entire life and feel the most secure than I ever have been.
And, guess what was the only thing that changed? I left the abuser who was harming me emotionally, psychologically, financially, relationally, and spiritually.
Please, please, please know that what I experienced is not love.
Love is a verb.
That man is incapable of true love, and I couldn’t see through it because of how traumatized I was by how he was treating me. You cannot see straight in survival mode, exhausted, terrified and gaslit.
That man cares about his ego, his image, his reputation, his lustful desires and showcasing himself as some saviour when really, behind closed doors, he is a sorry excuse of a “partner”.
He rationalized and reasoned his engagement with me by perceiving me as some lost puppy who was helpless that he was “guiding” and “care taking” in some way. Yet he was the one making me sick . It was a twisted game he invested in daily: doing the bare minimum, popping in and out, acting like he “didn’t know… wasn’t aware” he was being abusive, blaming it on everything external, obsessing about I was “narrating his story / image”, obsessing with his own reflection, talking to me for the sole purpose of making it about himself, averting accountability like it was toxic acid while pretending to do anything about it, and much more…
If you have followed my journey for a while, you know that the last thing I am is someone who needs a saviour or caretaker.
He never truly saw me, and I think he thought I was lying about who I said I was : a rebellious, outspoken, honest, empowering, and free spirited badass mf because he was so full of sh* about who he was, what he could offer and void of having any sense of self. Hence why he tried on my personality like it was some outfit in the closet - again, classic covert narcissism.
Never have I ever felt so confused, exhausted, betrayed, disappointed, misunderstood, lonely, terrified, empty, angry, rageful and shocked in my life.
If you recognize your experience in my story, please reach out, or silently follow my content to learn + apply the concepts I share because we are turning up the notch on all things : liberating yourself from entrapment / abusive relationships, nervous system regulation, somatic healing, covert narcissistic abuse, enmeshment, codependency/hyper-independence, attachment styles and building an inner secure system so you can never settle or let anyone cosplay as a lover when they are secretly envious, with a nasty spirit who is siphoning your pure energy, empathy and openness for their own benefit while offering you absolutely nothing but trauma, headaches, and dysfunction in return.
Because one thing about me : I will never not alchemize my wounds for gold. Are you ready for this most authentic and liberated era?
The matriarchy is rising… I know you can feel and hear the call to rise from what has shackled your nervous system in silence and suppression, so join me.
Be warned: apply the teachings and you will feel better than you ever have in your entire life & your nervous system will become a magnet for miracles because you have become the AUTHORITY of your own destiny for no longer downplaying that you are worth so much more, leaving abuse, and loving your desires so profoundly they have no other choice than to swiftly present themselves to you.
Ways to work with me:
Work with me 1:1 for therapy or coaching, book a free 15-min consultation to see if we are a good fit here.
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Get my nervous system fundamentals course here ($125)
Liberation from oppression is supposed to be messy. You owe no one composure, its a fallacy that leads to autoimmune conditions.
Narcissists will never want you to speak up about how they treated you. So be sure to turn it up a notch and own it loudly.
ily,
Danielle
